Acceptance is a word we hear frequently, particularly when talking about mental health, counselling and relationships. But what does it actually mean to accept ourselves or another person?
One of the difficulties with the word acceptance is that it can easily be confused with approval.
If I accept something about myself, does that mean I shouldn’t try to change it?
If I accept another person as they are, does that mean I have to agree with everything they say or do?
And if I love somebody, does accepting them mean putting up with behaviours that hurt me?
I don’t believe it means any of those things.
Acceptance isn’t about deciding that everything is okay. It is about acknowledging the reality of who we are, who another person is, or what a situation actually is — rather than constantly battling against how we think it should be.
Accepting ourselves
Most of us probably have parts of ourselves we’d like to change.
Perhaps we’re too critical of ourselves. Maybe we struggle with confidence, anxiety, anger, relationships or the way we respond when we’re hurt. We may look at other people and wish we were more like them.
Self-acceptance doesn’t require us to suddenly love every aspect of ourselves.
Nor does it mean saying, “This is just who I am, so there’s nothing I can do about it.”
For me, it is much more about being able to say:
This is where I am right now. This is part of who I am. Why might I think, feel or respond this way?
That subtle change can move us away from judgement and towards curiosity.
Instead of “What’s wrong with me?”, perhaps the question becomes “What’s happening for me?”
That doesn’t prevent change. In fact, it can make change more possible.
It’s difficult to understand something we’re constantly attacking ourselves for.
Acceptance and change can exist together
There can sometimes be an assumption that if we accept ourselves, we lose the motivation to change.
I think the opposite can often be true.
Imagine constantly telling yourself that you’re not good enough, that you shouldn’t feel the way you do, or that you need to become somebody different before you can be okay.
That creates an internal battle.
Acceptance offers another starting point:
I can accept who I am today while still working towards who I would like to become tomorrow.
Those two things aren’t contradictory.
We can recognise behaviours that aren’t helping us. We can take responsibility when our actions affect somebody else. We can learn new ways of responding and develop greater self-awareness.
But we can do those things without rejecting ourselves in the process.
Accepting other people
We naturally experience the world from our own perspective. Because of that, it can sometimes be difficult to understand why somebody else doesn’t think, feel or react as we would.
We might find ourselves thinking:
Why can’t they see it the way I do?
Why don’t they respond the way I would?
Why is this such a big deal to them?
But another person’s reaction doesn’t come from our experiences. It comes from theirs.
Their childhood, relationships, successes, losses, fears, personality and countless other experiences may all contribute to how they make sense of the world.
Accepting another person doesn’t mean deciding that their interpretation is correct and ours is wrong.
It means recognising that two people can experience the same situation very differently.
Neither person has to become the other.
Accepting the people we love
This can become particularly important — and particularly difficult — in our closest relationships.
When we love somebody, their behaviour matters to us in a way that the behaviour of a stranger usually doesn’t.
We have expectations. We have needs. We become emotionally invested.
And sometimes we can unintentionally begin expecting the person we love to demonstrate love, affection, care or commitment in the same way that we do.
But they aren’t us.
One person may want to talk immediately when something is wrong; another may need time to think.
One may express affection openly; another may demonstrate it more through actions.
One person may need considerable reassurance and closeness; another may need independence and space.
Those differences don’t automatically mean that either person cares more or less.
Sometimes accepting somebody we love means recognising:
They may never think, feel, communicate or respond exactly as I would — and difference doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong.
That doesn’t mean our own needs suddenly stop mattering.
Acceptance has to include ourselves too.
Acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating everything
This distinction is important.
Accepting somebody for who they are does not mean accepting every behaviour from them.
We can understand why somebody behaves in a particular way and still decide that the behaviour isn’t acceptable to us.
We can have compassion for somebody’s experiences while maintaining boundaries.
We can love somebody and still recognise that a relationship isn’t meeting our needs.
And we can accept that somebody is unlikely to change while also deciding what we need to do with that information.
Sometimes acceptance isn’t:
“I’m okay with this.”
Sometimes it’s:
“I can see that this is how things are, even though it isn’t how I would like them to be.”
That can be a difficult realisation, but also an important one.
Acceptance doesn’t remove responsibility
There is another side to this.
“That’s just who I am” shouldn’t become an excuse to avoid responsibility.
If our behaviour repeatedly hurts other people, self-acceptance doesn’t mean expecting everyone around us simply to tolerate it.
We can accept ourselves while acknowledging that some of our behaviours may need attention.
Likewise, we can accept another person’s differences while expecting them to take responsibility for how their behaviour affects us.
Healthy acceptance should make room for both compassion and accountability.
The role of counselling
Counselling can provide an opportunity to explore these things without somebody telling you who you should be.
Within person-centred counselling in particular, acceptance is an important part of the therapeutic relationship.
Having a space where we don’t feel judged can allow us to explore parts of ourselves that we may usually avoid, criticise or try to hide.
We might begin to understand why certain situations affect us so strongly, recognise patterns in our relationships or discover where some of our expectations of ourselves and others originated.
The aim isn’t necessarily to turn ourselves into somebody else.
Sometimes it’s about understanding ourselves well enough that we have more choice about what we do next.
One step at a time
None of us is going to accept everything about ourselves overnight.
And accepting other people — especially the people closest to us — can be equally challenging.
There will still be frustration, disagreement and times when we wish somebody would just see things the way we do.
Perhaps acceptance begins with something much smaller.
Being a little less judgemental of ourselves.
Being curious about why somebody else’s perspective is different from ours.
Recognising the difference between accepting a person and approving of a behaviour.
And understanding that we can want change without first rejecting what already exists.
Greater acceptance can create greater understanding — of ourselves, of others and of the relationships that matter to us.
And sometimes that understanding is where change begins.
One step at a time.